At some point, a whole month of being stateside flew by. It's crazy how quickly time seems to pass here, after time feeling so stagnant in Panamá. As I'm approaching my seventh week of being back, I've been reflecting a lot on how bizarre things really are. Maybe it's because I just finished Season 4 of Jane the Virgin on Netflix and I'm incredibly impatient for the fifth and last season to drop next year, but things feel a little like a telenovela. The volatility of my day-to-day right now is screen-worthy; despite this, I'm learning to settle into it all and find the humor and beauty in these situations.
I've gone through periods of bliss and distress since being back, and right now I seem to have plateaued in a really wonderful place of being content with just-busy-enough and just-social-enough and just-alone-enough. It's been this way for a few days, and I hope it sticks a while longer. Some general updates:
Still no apartment. But definitely working on it! I sent an application last week and am hoping to hear back since the move-in date we discussed was August 20th. As grateful as I am to every human who has opened up their home to me since being back in Michigan, I am so ready to unpack my bags and stop using a toothbrush case. I want to put my plant babies on their window sills, hang my photos and prints around my bed, and put my shampoo on its very own shelf in the shower. I want my books proudly displayed in a modestly handsome book case, my favorite pink blanket draped over my grandma's old arm chair, my clothes hung up and unwrinkled, and my new Panamá hammock positioned on the second-floor balcony for reading and napping. These are the things I truly dream about, friends.
Still working, still temporarily. The search for a permanent position continues, as my current full time position is only guaranteed through the November election. Trying not to put too much pressure on myself in this department, as I am actually employed and making enough money to get back on my feet here; however, I crave security and permanence right now. The word volatile is really the only way to explain the last year or so of my life, or maybe turbulent? Unstable? Those words have some negative connotation, so I'm not sure that any are quite right. The long story made short is that I'm tired. I want to know what my plan is, and then relax into it and let my life unfold within it. I'm ready for some consistency, at least for a little while.
Car?! I have one, my old one. It works and everything! However, I went car shopping and test drove some new Subarus. I'd like to buy one when I get myself a salaried position, because I firmly believe my car may explode at any given moment. I have bad luck with used cars and mine growls at me a bit nowadays.
Friends: I've got those, too! I missed mine so so much while I was gone, but now I miss my Panamá amigos so so much. I will forever be missing people. With my sister in Maryland, my bffs in Missouri and Colorado, my college bff in northern Michigan, my fam in Metro Detroit, and now a whole tribe of humans down south in Panamá, I am a missing machine! Luckily I still have lots of lovely pals in Grand Rapids, too. All of the people in my life are so lovely and I'm so happy to have them through these transitions.
I've even managed to make some new friends already, since coming back! Many of them through my new job. I've been canvassing neighborhoods in Grand Rapids, and some people who answer their doors are really cool. I'm getting beers with two of them this coming week. I also had a coffee date with someone I met canvassing this morning, and have weekly visits scheduled with an elderly woman that I really adore who I met by knocking doors, as well. I don't like canvassing, but I've met some great new people doing it. I'm really happy about this, because I haven't been so great at being alone lately. Panamá, overall, was a very isolating experience. Therefore, I am glad to have company often.
That being said, this last week I took myself to Holland and ate chocolate chip pancakes for lunch and went to the State Park to hang on the beach! It was the first time since being back that I set out to do something on my own, and it didn't backfire. It's a big deal! Every time I try to do something fun alone I usually get sad and start crying a lot and then have to go back to whoever's house I'm staying at to take a shower and watch Disney movies.
This time: not the case! I ate my pancakes and headed to the lakeshore. I found myself a spot on the beach and finished a book I'd checked out from the library. I plunged myself into sweet Lake Michigan waters and felt wrapped up in waves and the under-toe(d) and sun. I found a moth in the water and scooped it up and let it sun itself dry while crawling its fuzzy little body all over my arms. I walked the wharf and felt the damp cement under my toes radiating heat and watched sail boats come in and out of the canal. I buried my own legs in the sand and then leapt into the water to rinse off, finding serenity floating on my back and closing my eyes, letting myself crest waves and roll down their backs. The water felt so alive that day, and it made sure I did, too.
Currently, I'm sitting in a friend's backyard that I'm house/dog-sitting for, watching sunset light creep over the privacy fence and listening to their chickens coo from their coop. The tomato trellis in their garden stands tall and the leaves on the silver maples in the neighboring yards glow gold, instead of their usual cool sheen. It's peaceful.
I'm chatting at their dogs in Spanish and thinking about how excited I am go to to my dance studio tomorrow, for the first time since January. I'm thinking about moving into my apartment (one day) and about planning a movie night with lots of snacks with friends once I move in. I'm setting an intention to go to Muskegon to see an art exhibit I missed last year when it was up and walking the grounds at Fred Meijer Gardens on a Tuesday evening when they're open late. I'm imagining playing chess by candlelight while sipping tea or wine and watching a sunset on the lakeshore. I'm creating projects and recipes in my head and making mental checklists of things I want to get back to doing (shooting film, writing poems, being in a book club, volunteering with Friends of Grand Rapids Parks, gardening, writing letters to long-distance friends, practicing the guitar...).
While things haven't quite fallen into place yet, they're on their way. Bit by bit, I'm settling in. Honestly, I don't think I'd want it any other way. It's like the world is forcing me to take baby steps while I separate myself physically and mentally from where I was in Panamá. While I'm never letting go of it completely (after the work I put in to get there and stay there as long as I did) I think it's important to create some space, little by little, to bring myself back here.
After all, this is definitely home: there isn't anywhere I'd rather grow roots.
Until next time,
Hannah(má?)(when do I drop that?)