In one week, I'll be in Panamá.
What a bizarre thought. Yesterday, I was on a ski lift and flinging myself down snowy slopes in Belmont, MI; making plans to lace up my ice skates to make myself dizzy with cold air and toe-loops; and going on wintery walks through the park by my house, shooting a roll of film of my favorite spots in my neighborhood. I spent yesterday focusing on doing so many things that I wouldn't get to do in Panamá, and didn't realize that I am viewing my departure entirely in the wrong way.
Since my last post I had my last day at work at both of my jobs, paid my last rent check, had my last dance class at my pole studio, had my last night out in Grand Rapids, went snowboarding for the last time...you get the point. It's been a month full of "lasts." And I think it's been important to have some ceremony regarding those things as I'm preparing to leave; it makes me feel like my time here has been validated by people caring enough to make a big deal out of my "lasts," however, I've really got to shake that mindset this week.
Firstly, it's making me (somehow) more emotional about leaving Michigan (I didn't think this was possible - I've been proved wrong). Anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm in love with Michigan: give me her unforgiving snow and wicked heat, her lakes and dunes, her cool forests and steamy bogs, her cities and farms - I'll take it all. Given this information, you can imagine that my decision to move out of Michigan was difficult to make. Making a big deal out of the last time I'm doing anything here is only adding to the pull on heartstrings when I think about being away. Also, it's not the last time for anything! I'm coming back! I need to check that mindset at the door, immediately.
Secondly, it's making me forget all of the "firsts" I'm about to experience. Literally 27 full months of firsts, and probably a new one every single day. I absolutely adore the feeling of being a beginner at something; it's awkward, uncomfortable, and enlightening. I get to do that in such an extreme way. Starting next week, I have endless opportunities to be a beginner again, and do things for the first time, and I am so looking forward to that.
So starting today, after a full night of sleep and a breakfast of heart-shaped pancakes (Happy Valentine's Day!), there are no more "lasts." Only lots of "see you later."
Other Updates:
There was a conference call with volunteers about Pre-Service Training (PST) where we found out that lapses in government funding do not affect PCVs - what a relief.
I had my language capacity interview last week, and it went terribly! This interview is designed to figure out where to place you in language training when you arrive in-country; I will definitely be in beginner Spanish (more beginner opportunities). I totally froze up and couldn't remember basic nouns, conjugated "saber" wrong at least ten times even though I know how to conjugate it, forgot how to conjugate future tense even though I know that too, and couldn't understand the woman interviewing me at all (she is Panamanian, therefore a native Spanish speaker who speaks quickly - the Skype connection wasn't fantastic either, which wasn't helping). Needless to say, I exited the Skype call extremely flustered and embarrassed.
I started packing my luggage for Panamá, and I am shockingly still doing fine on space in my giant duffel bag! Nearly the entire thing is packed and there's still open space for more stuff - I may have finally broken the over-packing curse that has plagued me my entire life. Other than gifts for my new friends and host families, I have everything I need. It's a good feeling. Now I just need to pack my backpack and camera bag....
My Minolta film body broke when I was out shooting film yesterday; the physical shutter door is stuck in the track and I can't seem to get it unstuck. It's my favorite film camera out of the three I use, and I found out that my local camera store no longer does in-house repairs, which means I would need to mail it to Illinois to get it repaired. If I do that, there's no way I'm getting it back before I leave for Panama. I'm pretty upset, but overall this is a minor issue compared to any other variety of things that could go wrong this week.
I've sold almost all of my furniture and given away over half of my closet to friends. It's been hard to get rid of so much of my stuff, but the truth is that it won't all fit in my parents' basement, and I don't need it all anyway. Specifically, it's been hard giving away my clothes - I didn't realize I was so attached to them! I think this is a really healthy process though, and I think I'll appreciate the down-sizing when I return to the States in a few years.
Overall, things are falling into place nicely. My friends are beyond supportive and have been ridiculously kind and helpful during this transition; I can't thank them all enough. This is definitely not an adventure one should take on alone, and I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful community of people who respect and revere my decision to take this very big next step in my life.